Badam Kulfi

Dear God, Why can't I scream,  at the top of my lungs when I'm angry?  Why do I have to think about  other people and what they'll think of me  when they don't even know about my life?  Why do I have to choose to slide down  my bathroom wall and cry? Why can't I just be me? Why can't I scream and shout?  Why do I have to hide my vulnerabilities?  And why do I have to add the tag of being overdramatic when I express my true self?  Maybe I don't want people to run away from me, thinking I'm a lunatic.  Why do I make people laugh About the things that hurt?  And since when did we start  Counting physical harm as self-harm And excluding words from that list?  And if you knew I was doing self-harm, Would you have stopped me?  Would you have embraced me and listened?  Would you have allowed me to scream and shout and make all my inner demons deaf?  Would you have said,  "Behold, not my child, unleash thy inne...

The irony is laughable.  I had meticulously planned my life,  but you asked me a question the night before:  'What if you change your mind  and no longer want to study law? ' I dismissed it, saying it would never happen.  Your response was prophetic:  'Life is unpredictable, and your preferences may shift; don't limit your future possibilities.'  And then, it happened!  My desires changed, my life took a different turn,  and I transformed. The catalyst? YOU.

They say, "Don't be a sugar cookie".  Life can be unfair; accept it.  Don't keep on challenging it, With your wits and mights. You may never find the reasons for everything that happens to you.  But it wasn't life that wronged me;  it was YOU, whom I trusted.  My intuition warned me otherwise,  but I trusted you more than I trusted myself.  In the dead of night, I often wonder; Was it you who betrayed me,Or was it me?  Setting that aside,  I am the one who suffered without a reason.  I've replayed that memory in my head  Countless times to alter its ending,  To find a reason and lessen my pain, But come up empty-handed every time.  Perhaps only you can explain me about  the flaws in my stars and minimize a little.

I had always been a talker, But when I couldn't talk anymore,  I became a listener, a silent sea. I wanted to be there for all those Who can talk and share their misery,  As no one can be there for me.  Because I can't tell them about  those flashbacks and nightmares.  Yes, all that happens in my head,  But all those tears  That trickle down my cheeks  Make it a reality, make you a reality!  You must be asleep when I might be lost in night Having another outburst, a silent fight. You did what you could, without thinking about the cost,  and here I am, living them as a secret.   But it doesn't matter; I have to wake up  And put on a brave smile; a banana smile And wear all those scars as badge of honor