Badam Kulfi

Oh my dear younger self, All these years, I have been calling you stupid,  but you aren't!  Trusting people is your goodness,  but keeping it isn't within your control.  You were pure, away from this world's cruelty.  You took a leap of faith and trusted.  It's just that others lost their conscience  or never had it in the first place. So, I will not be cruel to you anymore.  I will be the adult you are counting on.  I will be the one to embrace you  and wipe your tears,  to stay with you when you can't talk.  Fear not, younger one,  I will be that adult you were searching of.

Dear God, Why can't I scream,  at the top of my lungs when I'm angry?  Why do I have to think about  other people and what they'll think of me  when they don't even know about my life?  Why do I have to choose to slide down  my bathroom wall and cry? Why can't I just be me? Why can't I scream and shout?  Why do I have to hide my vulnerabilities?  And why do I have to add the tag of being overdramatic when I express my true self?  Maybe I don't want people to run away from me, thinking I'm a lunatic.  Why do I make people laugh About the things that hurt?  And since when did we start  Counting physical harm as self-harm And excluding words from that list?  And if you knew I was doing self-harm, Would you have stopped me?  Would you have embraced me and listened?  Would you have allowed me to scream and shout and make all my inner demons deaf?  Would you have said,  "Behold, not my child, unleash thy inne...

The irony is laughable.  I had meticulously planned my life,  but you asked me a question the night before:  'What if you change your mind  and no longer want to study law? ' I dismissed it, saying it would never happen.  Your response was prophetic:  'Life is unpredictable, and your preferences may shift; don't limit your future possibilities.'  And then, it happened!  My desires changed, my life took a different turn,  and I transformed. The catalyst? YOU.

They say, "Don't be a sugar cookie".  Life can be unfair; accept it.  Don't keep on challenging it, With your wits and mights. You may never find the reasons for everything that happens to you.  But it wasn't life that wronged me;  it was YOU, whom I trusted.  My intuition warned me otherwise,  but I trusted you more than I trusted myself.  In the dead of night, I often wonder; Was it you who betrayed me,Or was it me?  Setting that aside,  I am the one who suffered without a reason.  I've replayed that memory in my head  Countless times to alter its ending,  To find a reason and lessen my pain, But come up empty-handed every time.  Perhaps only you can explain me about  the flaws in my stars and minimize a little.

I had always been a talker, But when I couldn't talk anymore,  I became a listener, a silent sea. I wanted to be there for all those Who can talk and share their misery,  As no one can be there for me.  Because I can't tell them about  those flashbacks and nightmares.  Yes, all that happens in my head,  But all those tears  That trickle down my cheeks  Make it a reality, make you a reality!  You must be asleep when I might be lost in night Having another outburst, a silent fight. You did what you could, without thinking about the cost,  and here I am, living them as a secret.   But it doesn't matter; I have to wake up  And put on a brave smile; a banana smile And wear all those scars as badge of honor

  How many eyes I happened to see, While existing in this world of lies. But when I saw yours looking into mine, I got intoxicated  like some fine wine. I was happy, scared and high, All at the same time. You might have thought, I was entirely bonkers. But then, why will you give it a thought? You might already knew, About enthrallment of your eyes, The charisma, the charm they hold. And when I was wondering about, All the hopes that might have drowned, In those perfect set of eyes? You passed a cherubic smile. It was a cue, that mine are going to be next! Out of whims, I also slipped a smile to you. But I was also scared with those profound glances, As they were demanding honesty from me. And what if I share my dark secrets with you, Will you listen to it or dismiss? And when you find something is broken, Will you move forward? While I will try to match same pace as yours, Or will you sit with me, while holding my hand?